Friday, 28 October 2011


Menopause, now who thought of that name.  I can only think it was a male and they were thinking " Yes at this age in a man's life MEN will pause to enjoy themselves."  Of course, they did not give birth or have periods all through their younger days, and  they are not going to have menopause.  The clock will stop and they will get on the train of happiness. I knew it was misspelled, it is called Men do Pause.

Menopause creeps up on you a little at a time.  At first you get a little warm then you get the sweats at night along with the cold flashes. It is so typical for women to have this.   We just do not know what we want.  Then you take to the internet to find out what it is and reread the package  your doctor so kindly gave you at your last physical.

OMG the list....
It reads "If you have any or all of these symptoms you are probably in menopause:"

sleeping problems - weight gain - mood swings - night sweats - bloating - hot flashes- low energy
irritability - anxiety - urine leak - skin flushing - forgetfulness -  headaches - vaginal dryness
joint aches - incontinence - hair loss - difficult concentrating - depression - brittle nails
decreased interest in sex -  painful intercourse - vaginal infection -  panic disorder
hormonal imbalance .

 Then they add to this the Pains that a women may experience at this time in her life...

Breast pain -  joint pain -  burning tongue -  digestive problems -  gum problems -  muscle tension
itchy skin - tingling extremities.

That's great, I know now that I have been in menopause since I got married and had children.   I have had all these symptoms for the past 26 years. So, this should not be something new to me. Come on... is this what we have to look forword to?

Now let's think about this for a few hours....

They tell you not all women have the same experience.  It comes in different forms; mild, medium or severe .  It is like ordering a steak, how would you like it after fifty?  So if you have not begun get your order in quick...

They talk about women in menopause as being irritable, well just take a look.  Would you not have mood swings, burning tongue (that's from swearing so much) headaches and sleeping problems if you were not in menopause. The list has 33 symptons.  That alone gives me urine leak  and depression.

While we are talking about urine leaks,  this is a riot, you know if you laugh, cough, sneeze, exercise or run this could happen. I just want to meet the woman in menopause who has the weight issue as I do, (God only knows where that 20 pounds came from) how she wears her spanks while wearing a Depend . It is impossible to go to the bathroom or have a smooth look in your bike shorts wearing  your Depend.

Then men wonder why we are not jumping into bed with them. Would you if your urine was going to leak if you should have an orgasm.  You know you are going to have a hot flash with the water pouring out of your pours.   Your skin is itchy and it is driving you crazy and you could experience a panic attack if he pulls the covers back and discovers you wear Depend to bed so you do not have to get up every 2 hours to go to the bathroom. Never mind the cute sexy teddies,  you will not look good in them due to the weight gain, and you need your  flannels to absorb the sweat and for the cold flash you get after that to keep you warm.  Then there is the changing 3 times a  night because the bed is so wet and he has to go downstairs to sleep if he wants to get any sleep at all. So now you know why we are so disinterested in sex.  My husband just does not get it.  He says it is all in my mind.  I keep trying to tell him there is less in my mind these days and more in my body.

Then the information goes on to tell you how to keep fit and healthy during your menopause state. These are steps to help reduce the symptoms. (You've just got to love this now, I am sure a male doctor wrote this piece of information.)

Avoid caffeine- alcohol-spicy foods-dress lightly and in layers-eat soy foods
take calcium and vitamin d-exercise-practice kegel exercise to strengthen the muscles of your vagina and pelvis- practice slow breathing when a hot flash starts- remain sexually active, take yoga to help relax the body and mind- use water lubricant during sex. (Well doesn't that sound delightful)

Now really ....I can just see it now when my husband asks me what the heck I am doing in the bathroom, and I have to tell him I have metal balls up my vagina and I am practicing my kegel exercise for sex later
and I think I might be in a hot flash because I canot get a kegel out of me. Then you must remember to breath slow to help prevent the hot flash and try not to panic.  Don't tell me that you do not want a large glass of wine and a cigarette after that experience.

Now that is why they invented The Dolphin, it just saves a lot to time, no mess and the experience is so wonderful you go to bed with a smile on your face.  Ahhh

If you have have any suggestions to help calm down the menopause state please feel free to share them...

Monday, 24 October 2011

Checking all parts.

I remember the days when I used to feel that my biological clock was ticking. You would rush into the doctor`s office to make sure you were able to have a child and that all the parts were working and  got advice to make sure tonight would be the night.  Well when you hit fifty, you go to the doctor`s and  the experience is so completely different, everything changes.  Your appointment is not for ten minutes, you must plan to stay the afternoon.

First you sign in and they give you paperwork to fill out.  You would think that it was your first time.  No, they just want to make sure all your information is correct and that  your health card has not expired.  And then the five hundred questions about whether your health over the last five years has not changed.  Well let me tell you, if my health and life over the past five years had not changed would I be going to the doctor`s on a sunny beautiful day. Now they know you are fifty, why don't they print this form in large print. So, out come the glasses and the pen and everything else you have in this bottomless bag so you can give all the  new information.

Then, when you go in, you know you are getting older because the nurse is new and a lot younger then you. Everything is on computer and they always ask what your reason is for the visit.  Now really, can't they see I have aged and that I just filled out the form and I am here because they suggest we do a full check up when one turns fifty. Really, no one in their twenties is doing this....

So, you have small talk with the doctor.  You go over the past few years and bring her or him up to date.
Then they tell you to strip down and they will be back.  So really, why did I get all dressed up and try to look real good so that they would think, ``Wow, she has it all together`` until  you take off your clothes.
Then everything you were trying to hide just drops to the floor.

They do all the usual things, the breathing, the blood pressure, the eyes and ears and they tell you that all is fine in that department.
Then the breast exam, you always take a deep breath  when that happens.  Their hands are cold and it has been a while since they were felt.... God I hate that, mine have gotten bigger and for so many years when I was younger I had always wished for bigger boobs, why now...

Then comes the pap test... Gee, just what every women over fifty wants. As I was being examined, the lovely doctor told me not to worry if I start to dry up down there, that there are many new creams on the market to help with  lubrication.  Now I can bearly focus at this point. The last thing on my mind was sex...  All I am thinking is...  why did I not go to my beauty spa the week before  oh ya because it was raining  outside and now my forest has grown into trees.  I think the doctor by now is thinking that there is something wrong with me.  I am fifty and the bush has not been clipped. So you get through that and redressed and then the  doctor hands you this kit. I mean, it is a package... 

 Now all I am thinking is,  `Pay attention, there is a lot in this package,` and I now have to do all this stuff.  I have to have a mamogram test  (my breast squeezed), an xray of my chest,  blood work done (poked with a needle),  a bone density test (to make sure I will be able to stand up straight as I age), pee in this bottle before I leave, (God knows what that was for, I know I am not pregnant)  and collect my poop (to make sure I don't have colon cancer) and mail it off to some place.  Well that sounds real exciting,  can't wait to  get started on that project.

Then they give you the prescriptions to better health.  My doctor goes on to tell me I must take at least 500 mg of Vitamin D  and 1500 mg of Calcium  everyday  and  they come  in the size of  horse pills.  I should eat blueberries, spinach, broccoli, half the  vegetables  and fruit in the grocery store  everyday.  And to top it all, keep eating yogurt for breakfast. Gee, that sounds like fun.

Now they did tell me white bread is a no-no and all those good things like donuts and white sugar are not so good for you as you age. (Well, that just messed up my stop at Tim's in the morning). I should try not to eat processed sandwich meat like ham and turkey meat. (Well, there goes lunch too).  The doctor  did tell me to excercise daily, like take walks, ride a bike or swim. Great since I will not be eating while I am working any more I now can take up swimming. Then went to tell me that  there are a lot of seniors clubs that are open to fifty year old people.  And make sure I am seeing the eye doctor at least  one every other year.

Seniors clubs?  Wow, so thats it, I am a senior now.  Shit, last week I was so happy and feeling great.

Then the doctor closed with,  ``If you have any worries or concerns about your health to come right back for another session.`` Ya like I have extra time for another session of this...  I think I was in shock when I left, I could not think of any questions. The only thing from all this that I can remember is that the doctor did say a good glass of red wine and dark chocolate was good for your health.

My God by the time I got to my car I was exasuted.  I must have sat there for twenty minutes.  I was just trying to recall what just happened.  I was not sure what to do next.  I could not go to Tim's for a coffee
to help think things over.   I was afraid to go home, I might eat a sandwich on white bread with processed meat, and I was not sure I had enough money to go to the grocery store to buy all the fresh fruit and vegtables that I am supposed to eat.  Ok, so what am I supposed to do now?

Somehow the LCBO sounded like a good idea and the doctor did think a good glass of red wine never hurt. Great, so that is where I ended up.

Life is funny...
Now think back to when you were pregnant, all the doctor told you to do was eat lots of good green leafy foods and not to drink booze for nine months. You know it was a lot easier having a baby than living in your fifties. Your appointment was only ten minutes and you went in with a Tim's in your hand so you hand something to drink while you waited for your appointment.

So did you get your package or appointment yet  for your senior check up?  lol lol

Friday, 21 October 2011

Getting dressed for fifty.....

Getting ready for the last fifty years of your life has its ups and downs.

When I was in my twenties no one told me I needed to use moisturizers, creams or exercise and eat healthy.  Life was a ball.  I was away at school eating cafeteria food, drinking with friends, staying out late at the bars, smoking whatever got passed around and life was great. I am not even sure my make-up was washed off every night, never mind scrubs, cleansers and moisturizers who thought about that back then. We wore high heels that killed our feet, jeans you could not bend over in, and teased our hair with  half a can of hair spray.  We thought that was living. Life was grand it could not get any better.
Oh ya,  don't forget about the freedom of sex... everyone was doing it. What more could you ask for,  then a cigarette from a friend, no one ever told us we would die of cancer or aids.

What about the toxins we drank, smoked and breathed during those days.  Yes, every house hold had bleach,  comet, body powders anything to make us feel we were clean . At least we looked and  smelled clean.  Those were the days our moms stayed home to make sure the family was running well.  It was our mothers who taught us to be the perfect Mrs. Clever and that we would grow up and the world was going to be a better place, because we did as we were told. We wanted to be, just like mom.

So, here we are today in a world where we find out  that all those chemicals we lived with are  hurting us and our environment. Our bodies, our minds and the environment has paid the price,  just look around  today, we have changed not only in our physical frame but in the way we live. You can not smoke at the local donut shops, everyone buys coffee before they leave for work, we plug in our cars, we spend millions on skin care products , and  very few women stay home to raise their children.

The big problem was, that by the time we reached forty, scientists  started to discover all these problems and are now trying to clean up this environmental mess that we have created.  The real killer is, that now  we need glasses so that we can  read what the heck we are using to make life better. Our brains, eyes and body are starting to slow down, so that we can prepare for the fifties. It is such a pain, now is the time you need your eyes, your brain and your physical ability to function and darn it all they start to go.  We  need to be able to read all those labels and think smart so that we do not mess up the next fifty years. Ok,  so now we decorate our homes with reading glasses in everyroom,  , and  spend more time in the bathroom,  we are still working like mad dogs, exfoliating, cleansing and moisturizing ourselves,  we buy organic food and clothing, then run around the block everynight.  Now we have to work even harder at what we are doing and change how we are living so that we can enjoy the next fifty years. Getting older is a lot of work... and all we really want to do is get dressed and have fun.

Do you remember the past like this?  Are you in the same boat as me just trying to stay healthy and have a little fun?  Share your thoughts.......

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

Thinking Fifty

Turning fifty...I never really thought about it as in writing it down on paper, but it was always on my mind.

I used to wonder what the old people did when they turned fifty. I remember my aunt used to wear her blouses outside her pants, nothing was ever tucked in and her hair was always in rollers. Not to mention older people used to smoke a lot back in those days. The radio was always on in her house  and she was either ironing blouses or cooking on the stove.  She didn't have a big career, college was a dream back in her days.  I don't think anybody really went to college back then.  They lived during the second world war,  the depression and they had the milk man.  So, looking up to an aunt when I was a young girl was nothing special, thats just what life was like back then ...simple.

They never talked about menopause, I am not even sure they had that back then.  PMS, cancer, hot flashes, mood changes, and didn't most women die before they turned fifty.  Well, at least that is what it looked like to me when I was a young girl. I was just learning about my biological changes and discovering who I was, and looking for a role model.

Perhaps, thats is why so many of us have feared turning fifty and are trying to put our act together.  We have grown up in such a different world than our great aunts.  We had colour televisions, and now DVDs, dishwashers,blowdryers. We have gone from eight tracks to CDs , the Beatles to Lady Gaga.  We used to read Seventeen magazine, Cosmo and now the big O.  Back then, whatever we wanted to know about life, boys, dating,sex, etc. We called our friends and shared Cosmo. Oprah was not around to give you Lifeclasses.

They keep telling us that these are going to be the best years of our life.  Ok, then let's share these years together and learn, grow, share, laugh and cry together.  Now is the time to get going and make new friends. We women have been harvesting our goods for years, so come on board and plant your seeds.