Monday, 24 October 2011

Checking all parts.

I remember the days when I used to feel that my biological clock was ticking. You would rush into the doctor`s office to make sure you were able to have a child and that all the parts were working and  got advice to make sure tonight would be the night.  Well when you hit fifty, you go to the doctor`s and  the experience is so completely different, everything changes.  Your appointment is not for ten minutes, you must plan to stay the afternoon.

First you sign in and they give you paperwork to fill out.  You would think that it was your first time.  No, they just want to make sure all your information is correct and that  your health card has not expired.  And then the five hundred questions about whether your health over the last five years has not changed.  Well let me tell you, if my health and life over the past five years had not changed would I be going to the doctor`s on a sunny beautiful day. Now they know you are fifty, why don't they print this form in large print. So, out come the glasses and the pen and everything else you have in this bottomless bag so you can give all the  new information.

Then, when you go in, you know you are getting older because the nurse is new and a lot younger then you. Everything is on computer and they always ask what your reason is for the visit.  Now really, can't they see I have aged and that I just filled out the form and I am here because they suggest we do a full check up when one turns fifty. Really, no one in their twenties is doing this....

So, you have small talk with the doctor.  You go over the past few years and bring her or him up to date.
Then they tell you to strip down and they will be back.  So really, why did I get all dressed up and try to look real good so that they would think, ``Wow, she has it all together`` until  you take off your clothes.
Then everything you were trying to hide just drops to the floor.

They do all the usual things, the breathing, the blood pressure, the eyes and ears and they tell you that all is fine in that department.
Then the breast exam, you always take a deep breath  when that happens.  Their hands are cold and it has been a while since they were felt.... God I hate that, mine have gotten bigger and for so many years when I was younger I had always wished for bigger boobs, why now...

Then comes the pap test... Gee, just what every women over fifty wants. As I was being examined, the lovely doctor told me not to worry if I start to dry up down there, that there are many new creams on the market to help with  lubrication.  Now I can bearly focus at this point. The last thing on my mind was sex...  All I am thinking is...  why did I not go to my beauty spa the week before  oh ya because it was raining  outside and now my forest has grown into trees.  I think the doctor by now is thinking that there is something wrong with me.  I am fifty and the bush has not been clipped. So you get through that and redressed and then the  doctor hands you this kit. I mean, it is a package... 

 Now all I am thinking is,  `Pay attention, there is a lot in this package,` and I now have to do all this stuff.  I have to have a mamogram test  (my breast squeezed), an xray of my chest,  blood work done (poked with a needle),  a bone density test (to make sure I will be able to stand up straight as I age), pee in this bottle before I leave, (God knows what that was for, I know I am not pregnant)  and collect my poop (to make sure I don't have colon cancer) and mail it off to some place.  Well that sounds real exciting,  can't wait to  get started on that project.

Then they give you the prescriptions to better health.  My doctor goes on to tell me I must take at least 500 mg of Vitamin D  and 1500 mg of Calcium  everyday  and  they come  in the size of  horse pills.  I should eat blueberries, spinach, broccoli, half the  vegetables  and fruit in the grocery store  everyday.  And to top it all, keep eating yogurt for breakfast. Gee, that sounds like fun.

Now they did tell me white bread is a no-no and all those good things like donuts and white sugar are not so good for you as you age. (Well, that just messed up my stop at Tim's in the morning). I should try not to eat processed sandwich meat like ham and turkey meat. (Well, there goes lunch too).  The doctor  did tell me to excercise daily, like take walks, ride a bike or swim. Great since I will not be eating while I am working any more I now can take up swimming. Then went to tell me that  there are a lot of seniors clubs that are open to fifty year old people.  And make sure I am seeing the eye doctor at least  one every other year.

Seniors clubs?  Wow, so thats it, I am a senior now.  Shit, last week I was so happy and feeling great.

Then the doctor closed with,  ``If you have any worries or concerns about your health to come right back for another session.`` Ya like I have extra time for another session of this...  I think I was in shock when I left, I could not think of any questions. The only thing from all this that I can remember is that the doctor did say a good glass of red wine and dark chocolate was good for your health.

My God by the time I got to my car I was exasuted.  I must have sat there for twenty minutes.  I was just trying to recall what just happened.  I was not sure what to do next.  I could not go to Tim's for a coffee
to help think things over.   I was afraid to go home, I might eat a sandwich on white bread with processed meat, and I was not sure I had enough money to go to the grocery store to buy all the fresh fruit and vegtables that I am supposed to eat.  Ok, so what am I supposed to do now?

Somehow the LCBO sounded like a good idea and the doctor did think a good glass of red wine never hurt. Great, so that is where I ended up.

Life is funny...
Now think back to when you were pregnant, all the doctor told you to do was eat lots of good green leafy foods and not to drink booze for nine months. You know it was a lot easier having a baby than living in your fifties. Your appointment was only ten minutes and you went in with a Tim's in your hand so you hand something to drink while you waited for your appointment.

So did you get your package or appointment yet  for your senior check up?  lol lol

1 comment:

  1. Wow, what an experience! Very insightful and entertaining.

    Sad to have to give up the Timbits, though...